Thursday, November 10, 2011

Good news?

Saw the doctor this morning to discuss my revision surgery.  Turns out, as he had been looking through all of my barium swallow pics, I actually have gotten better since he first took over my case in August.  Although my pouch and band are not ideal at the moment (and still causing me to throw up anything other than a small portion of foods), he's decided to put me on strict liquids again and take one more look right before Thanksgiving...

It's a catch 22, really, at this point (whatever that phrase means) because my band is completely empty.  Even if 10 days of liquids heals the pouch and repositions the band to it's correct location, any stuck food or bad day leaves the doctor with no course of action...there's no fluid to drain!  Ultimately, surgery will probably be in my future.  We did discuss the revision to a sleeve, though, and that sounds like an awesome alternative!  I know many of you have sleeves or have revised to a sleeve...I'm going to do more research on that to decide if it's really a viable alternative for me.  Any comments you can add about life with a sleeve, please do!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Temptation...

Temptation from yesterday: My job as a teacher’s union staff member can be frustrating at times. When I’m in my office, I receive calls from union members who are generally upset with something that’s been done to them by a supervisor/administrator. After an extremely difficult call yesterday (made even more difficult because there was nothing I could do to help the member), I snagged a Hershey’s snack size bar out of the candy dish on my desk and scarfed it down…then followed it with two more after a colleague came in and I reported to her that “I need chocolate.” Followed that with a small handful of the autumn candy corn I have in a Thanksgiving jar on my desk as well…

Why is there a candy jar on my desk? Well, it’s a great social tool for colleagues who come into my office throughout the day, and I often have union members come meet with me…good for their stress as well. 9.9 times out of 10, I don’t touch the stuff – not only has my LapBand had issues and I’ve been under direction to be on liquids for most of the time I’ve had this job (just started in July), but I don’t want to have to waste my daily calorie count on crap.

I think the root emotions that got me to scarf down that candy were a general frustration that stemmed from many places…the immediate frustration of the call, undertones of frustration with my colleagues, and general anxiety over the need for LapBand revision surgery somewhere amidst the insanely busy schedule that is my November. I see the doctor on Thursday to discuss and schedule the surgery, but the OCD organized person inside of me needs to schedule this surgery and my life NOW. Ugh. I’m generally just anxious/apprehensive about many things…and the easy answer is to grab some candy – no thought, no fuss, no muss! Hell, I did it for years – although, back then, it was typically a stop through a fast food joint to load as many calories into my mouth as I could.

Bottom line, I made sure to log that “snack” into my food journal (I utilize the bodybugg tool and website for that) and moved on. I only eat 1,350 calories a day, and that took up a meal-sized chunk of those calories on Monday, but that’s the way it goes. Weight loss surgery has been a blessing for me in that it helps me control my appetite, helps me focus on nutrition, calories, exercise, etc…but it is a DAILY (hell, hourly!) struggle to make the right choices. I truly believe that obesity is a disease, created by an addiction to unhealthy food. I just need to keep surrounding myself with positive people, energy and choose to maintain a health-centered focus on me!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

120 pounds GONE!

Although I was down this low (and even a little bit lower) in August, I'm officially BACK to being exactly 120 pounds lighter than I was at my pre-surgery weight!  This time?  There's no going back to the 220's or above...it's all downhill from here, and I can't wait for onederland!!

Photobucket

^^ That chick is doin' the happy dance inside, just like me!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Changing Attitude.

Clearly, it's what I need to do.  I'll admit that many of the PB/vomit episodes I've had this week are because I'm depressed about my situation and am overcompensating my chowing down on either food I shouldn't eat, forcing quantities that are too large or bites that are too big/fast (despite what I wrote in my last post, I know that if I really analyze what's been making me throw up, it's mostly user error).  This is yet another sign that I need to have LapBand revision surgery instead of removal - I won't do this on my own.

It's time to derail the pity party train.  So far today I've had a small serving of oatmeal, 2 cups of coffee and a grilled turkey burger on 100 calorie deli flat bread (if you haven't tried these yet, they're great for bandsters!) with a little bit of mustard.  While this may not seem like much food by 2:09pm in the day, I've accepted that it's enough for me and, really, all my band will tolerate.

And now?  I need to go burn some calories.  I've been trying to find the motivation for a good walk for hours now.  Methinks I just need to change out of my pajamas, put on some tennis shoes and just do it.

Latest NSV:  Finally had to switch out the "large" bodybugg band for the "small" one - both came in the box.  The large band got to the point where I'd have to wear the bodybugg somewhat loose because, otherwise, there was too much band left in order to velcro to itself.  Yay for the small band!

Update 3 hours later: The turkey burger was apparently too much for me.  As tiny as it was, it decided to come back up.  Blech.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Sick of throwing up.

I've been cleared to eat whatever I want (liquids, solids, etc.) as long as I do small portions...I meet with my doctor next Thursday (10th) to discuss my surgery options for either revision or removal (and I'll ask about the sleeve, but I don't know if he does them!).  Despite the road block of a slipped band, I'm hell bent on making my goal of "onederland by 2012" and continue to log my calories into my bodybugg program.

Here's the issue...I'm not overeating.  I'm not even eating normally intolerable foods.  I'm not taking huge bites.  I'm not swallowing my food whole/scarfing.  I'm not eating quickly.  Despite all of that, I've thrown up food for 4 or 5 days in a row now.  Hell, tonight I thought I took it easy and had some turkey chili without beans...nope, couldn't stomach that either.  Gotta love a slipped band, eh?  I just find it bizarre that I can nibble/eat throughout the day, but can't tolerate food at night (apparently...except for the one exception where I threw up twice at work yesterday after trying to eat lunch).

Bottom line?  I'm so done.  I'm so ready for this nightmare to be over.  I'm leaning toward revision surgery at this point because I know the aftercare will be what it's supposed to be...and, to be honest, I'm scared that my head really isn't in the right place to either continue or finish this journey.  I've been so mentally screwed up over the past year of dealing with these band issues, that I'm not sure I'm in the right place to do this on my own.  Beyond that - if I could have done it on my own, I wouldn't have had surgery in the first place.

An aside?  I posted about the need for surgery in a Facebook status and actually got pushback from a couple of people.  These "friends" suggested (one even begged) that I get the thing removed..."do you really need it?"  "Can't you do it on your own?"  I've always been open about my surgery, even with strangers, but the fact that I got flack from people because I mentioned that I was leaning toward revision surgery really bothered me.  Everyone's always been supportive...what happened to that?  What happened to it being okay to make my own choices without fear of judgment?  Screw people.

Ugh.