Saturday, September 10, 2011

Lost/Disappointed/Frustrated.

It's been a long time (10 months) since I could eat any quantity of food without getting sick, stuck, etc.  After getting my issues fixed and being adjusted, I was finally able to eat a week ago...and, boy, have I been eating!  I gave myself permission to enjoy Labor Day weekend with my boyfriend, eating whatever I wanted, not counting calories.  He'll tell you that I didn't eat anything more than a normal person would, but my scale will tell you that I gained 10 pounds in that three days.  Ugh.  I knew I'd gain, but I suppose I didn't expect it to be that much.  A pound is 3,500 calories - I KNOW I didn't eat 35,000 calories of food!

So I get back home to Virginia and put the bodybugg back on, determined to start tracking my calories again and committing to at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day (I've been a horrible worker-outer in this whole journey, as I mentioned in my last post).  Well, I just completed Day 4 of working out in a row (really didn't want to yesterday, but I forced myself), so I'm proud that I'm keeping that up.

As for the counting calories?  I'm doing it...but they're not very low.  In fact, since Tuesday I haven't had a calorie deficit (less calories in than out).  I'm just hungry.  I feel like I've been teleported to the beginning band stages, where it's wide open and I can consume anything I want.  I'm in "Bandster Hell" again, where I have to force myself to "diet" instead of letting the band help control my hunger.  It makes sense that I'm here since the doctor did drain the band completely and is slowly going to adjust it back up to an appropriate level...and, I promise, I'm much happier being able to eat without getting sick.  It just...kinda sucks.

Take yesterday for example - I was doing WELL all day.  I had a Skinny Vanilla Latte at Starbucks (180 calories), went to lunch with some colleagues at Panera and consumed less than 400 calories...didn't snack on anything all day...then gorged on steak nachos and a quesadilla from a Mexican joint I had wanted to try near my house.  G'bye accountability!  I did enter it in my bodybugg program, thus resulting in another non-deficit day.  :::sigh:::

The only upside is that I lost one pound since Tuesday morning.  I'm not sure how since I haven't registered a deficit this week, but I'll take it!  I had to revise my goal this morning - again - to get to onederland by the end of 2011, instead of my goal of 169 in the same time frame.  Getting to goal would require a loss of 3.5 pounds a week, and I just can't sustain a loss like that for several months - oh, and it's not healthy either!

So....wish me luck as I continue to grapple with hunger and accountability issues.  I see the doctor again at the end of this month to get adjusted again and, even though he told me to call his office and come in earlier if I was hungry, I want to prove to myself that I have the willpower to make this happen.  Is that a correct attitude?  Or do I just need to accept the fact that I couldn't do this pre-LapBand and can't do it now?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

2 days...

2 days for two things:

1. I am now making an honest effort to get at least 30 minutes of physical activity in every day.  Obviously some days will be more than that, but I need to do SOMETHING that registers as physical activity every day.  I've been really lax about that in my entire journey thus far, and I know I need to kick myself in the ass to reach goal!  I'm happy to report that I did Zumba yesterday and some Wii Fit Plus games today...woot!  30 days makes something a habit, right?  28 days to go :)

2. 2 days from now will be the weekend.  I intend to catch up on reading YOUR blogs.  I love reading them because they make me feel like I'm part of a motivating community - good or bad, we all struggle and maintain a positive "losing" attitude!  I really wish I were close with y'all - I'm always jealous of the "BOOBS" because I really don't know what it's about.  Y'all exchange phone numbers, e-mails, etc...wish I had someone like that on my journey too!  So...what's the password to get in??? :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

I'm fixed!!!

I haven't updated in quite awhile, but I believe we left off during the beginning of my liquid diet...ugh.  I survived 16 (or 17?) days of liquids and saw my doctor again last Tuesday for another barium swallow.  Low and behold, I'm healed!  My pouch is back to the size it's supposed to be, the blockage is gone, and my band shifted back to it's normal position!!  The doc adjusted me again (he had removed all of the saline for the two weeks of "healing") and advised me to do liquids for 2 more days, mushies for 2 days, then solid food!  The doctor called my recovery "PERFECT" - yes, he even wrote that word in my chart, which he says he doesn't get to do often - and gave me a hug at my flawless, no cheating (even though it was my birthday during the fest of liquids...I stuck with a milkshake that day to celebrate!).

I've been eating like a normal human being again!  At first I was scared to eat mushy food...anything, really...since it's been months of me eating anything, being sore and stuck for hours and then throwing it all up.  I've lived in AGONY since November of last year, convinced there was nothing I could do to help the situation (liquids alone may have helped, but the barium swallow to really SEE what was going on was kinda nice).  Alas, I visited my boyfriend in West Virginia over this Labor Day weekend and ATE.  Like...he even commented that he's NEVER seen me eat that much (we met in person four days post-op).  Obviously my band is too loose now, but I gave myself a pass for this weekend to just EAT, guilt free.  I didn't overdo it and gorge out on food constantly all day, every day, but I know my scale will reveal a gain when I step on it tomorrow morning...that's okay!  After MONTHS of being deprived, I decided that this weekend was mine to eat as I please.  I enjoyed a southwestern omelette with sour cream, a bloomin' onion from Outback Steakhouse (not the whole thing), a steak, hot dogs, chocolates, cake...YUM!  Yeah, I'm totally fatter tonight as a result, but I'm okay with that!  It was glorious just to EAT, have food pass through my band, and actually feel FULL in my stomach (not my esophagus - nice switch!).

I put the bodybugg back on tonight and am determined to finish this journey the right way - I need to drink more water, I need to get at least 30 minutes of physical activity in a day, etc.  I have roughly 50 pounds left to go and know that it's time to tone up...because some of this is staying on my body!  Regardless, it'll be nice to eat healthy foods and not throw them up!

Wish me luck :).