Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's all about perspective, and mine apparently needs a shift.

I've had some interesting thoughts over the last 24 hours...not sure what prompted them, but I know that while I still struggle to get through the 240's and finally hit my 100 pound weight loss, I've been throwing a lot of negativity into my own head.  Of course, that only serves a negative purpose...but we're good at bashing ourselves, aren't we?  If I do it, no one else will, right?  I should be thin now...I had weight loss surgery over a year ago.  Isn't that what people expect of me?!

I say?  Who the hell cares what other people expect of me.  I've lost 95 pounds in almost 13 months.  How many people in the real world can say that?  Surely none of my close friends...and surely none of the hundreds of people I work with in any given week.

I have to remember that what I've accomplished thus far is quite a freakin' feat.  Yeah, I've got more to lose (65 pounds-ish), but I'm also on the downhill slope of this...yeah, it's harder now, but I'll endure.  I've got to remember what I've heard ad nauseum on blogs and forums - this weight took a long time to put on, and it'll take awhile to get it off.

Hell, I can't tell you when I last weighed in at the 240's before this weight loss process.  I still look at myself and see "FAT" (yeah - taking my fat ass measurements just now didn't help either), but I also look at the pictures of me a year ago and see "HOLY SHIT THAT GIRL WAS BIG."  I was in denial about how big I really was, always claiming that although I was 338 pounds, I didn't really look that big.  Lies.  All of them.  I was a freakin' whale in professional clothes.

I mentioned above that I took my measurements today...although I'm a sucker for the daily weigh in on the scale, I haven't measured any part of my body in...a year?  My bodybugg online program allows me to put in the measurements of my neck, upper arm, forearm, waist, hip, thigh and calf each week when I weigh in to the program...why haven't I been using it?  Heck, I put in all of those measurements today and it even calculated my LBM (lean body mass) and body fat percentage based on the measurements versus my weight/height...sweet!  I need to continue to measure myself weekly, when the bodybugg allows me to update my "measurements," so I can continue to celebrate the results I am getting.

I was talking to a colleague earlier this week who told me that I've been looking thinner and more toned over the last few months...I scoffed at her and told her I've lost a total of 8 pounds since October.  8 freakin' measly pounds.  She then attributed my tone-ness to the fact that I've been working out, I've done a couple of 5k's, and I'm focusing more on the calorie burn than I had in the beginning of this journey.  I don't see it - I still wear a size 18/20 and have been in the same size clothes (mostly) for the better part of this school year.

Who the hell am I to negate the success others are seeing?  Why do I find it necessary to push away compliments on my efforts, my outward appearance, etc.?  Yeah, I'm not seeing the numbers I want on the scale...but my LapBand seems to be working with me again, I'm focusing on getting a calorie deficit every day to promote weight loss through the help of my bodybugg, and I know that "this too shall pass."  It's time to find some rose colored glasses and accept, internally, the success I've had.  Negative thinking only leads to negative behavior, right?

Monday, January 24, 2011

245...

Weighed in this morning at 245.2 - again.  Yes, I've been at this weight quite a few times in the last few months.  It'd sure be nice NOT to have to lose the same weight over and over again...seems that's all I've been doing!  But, with a band nearing restriction again (I have some, which is more than I have been able to say since the unfill Thanksgiving weekend), and I'm a slave to my bodybugg.  Whaddaysay - can I finally break out of the 240's and see my 100 pound weight loss at 238.2 sometime by the end of February?  That'd rock :).  Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Monday everyone!

Do you Yahoo?

While I like reading your blogs and getting to know the few of you who have friended me on Facebook (link's to the left if you wanna add me!), I miss social networking via Yahoo messenger.  Anyone chat online?  I'd love to have real conversations with many of you, when life/time permit.  Heck, those messages even go to my phone!

Hit me up, if ya yahoo: stretchzgurl

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Stylish Blogger Award!

Aw, I love receiving awards!  Thanks to Bec for thinking of me - you're supersweet, with cherries on top n' everything!

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The rules of accepting this award are: Thank the person who gave you the award, reveal seven things about yourself, and nominate 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered or love. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they've been nominated.


Seven things about me?  Let's see...
  1. I'm a workaholic - and it gets in the way of my desire to be lazy, which I enjoy equally as much as work.
  2. My LapBand hasn't worked right since May of 2010, and I'm really getting sick of being in the 240's.
  3. I have two cats...well, technically three, but the third is my old roommate's who moved out last August and hasn't been back to retrieve her...and they are my babies!
  4. My boyfriend (a.k.a. love of my life and the man I will marry someday) lives 2,400 miles away.  I hate that.
  5. I've been itching for a career change since March of 2009.  I keep applying, interviewing, etc. and hope to land a union staff career sometime in 2011!  Teaching is awesome, but being a full time teacher, full time FFA advisor and full time union elected leader is going to kill me.
  6. I got a Keurig Platinum coffee brewer for Christmas from my mom, and I've never drunk so much coffee in my life - YUM!  Okay, I've always liked coffee, but nowadays I'm quite the coffee whore!
  7. I am a technology addict.  I love my Samsung Galaxy S smart phone, my bodybugg, my laptop, my DVR...hell, without those items?  I don't know what I'd do with all my free time!
And now to nominate 15 of yews...who else are some Stylish Bloggahs?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Join the Biggest Loser "Pound for Pound Challenge"...and my team!

Hey everyone!  I've started a team on the "Pound for Pound Challenge" website (click here)!  The concept is simple - you pledge how much weight you want to lose by May 31, 2011 and the same number of pounds of food are donated to a local food bank in your area.  Simple, eh?  I encourage you to GO NOW and JOIN MY TEAM!  When you sign up, click to join a team...my team is called "CaliLosers" (all one word).  You don't need to be from California, you just have to want to pledge to either lose weight or maintain a healthy weight (that counts as 5 pounds), and then...voila!  We help starving people all over the world!  I also have a Facebook group page for my team so we can keep in touch, motivate each other, etc.  Join today!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

What now?

After last week's stressful experience with the dumb doctors at my LapBand office, it turns out that the solution to my problem isn't going to happen just yet.  The doctor I was supposed to see this past Thursday for some rational dialogue about why my band has either been too tight or too loose since May actually couldn't make it in on Thursday...and, before I forget to mention it, I think the doctor last Saturday actually took fill OUT instead of putting 0.5cc back in - I was able to eat a chicken breast for lunch a couple of hours later and have been starving all week long.  Ugh.  I'm seeing the super-aggressive doc this Wednesday to get some fill actually put IN because I'm tired of being so hungry.  I would wait until Thursday and see the rational doctor (I could have gone in today, but I'm not seeing the stupid doctor again who didn't realize it's not 2010 anymore), but I'll be in Las Vegas for a work conference.  So, result?  Super-aggressive Nazi man on Wednesday for a fill and the doctor I actually want to see next Thursday.  I just didn't want to starve for another full two weeks just to see the rational doc.

So, Joia, why don't you just EAT something if you're that hungry?  Damn bodybugg and accountability won't let me do that.  I had gotten back up to 251 pounds last Sunday, and that was enough gain for me.  I've been actively using my bodybugg (yay Christmas gifts!) and logging my calorie burn...then decided I needed to actually start logging my food choices.  Ugh - I was eating WAY too much and was seeing a surplus of calories (more in than out) each day...no wonder I got back up to 251!  I made a plan of sticking to a 1,000 calorie deficit each day, starting last Monday, which the program tells me will result in a 2 pound loss per week...exactly what I need to hit goal by my 31st birthday at the end of August.

Here's where the two stories are related...my LapBand feels empty.  I have only felt restriction twice in the last few weeks - and then only momentarily before I gorged on another large bite of whatever I was eating at the time.  I need a FILL.  I want this band to WORK again.  As much I as hate the band being too tight, I hate being this hungry, too.  I have a freakin' LapBand - I'm not supposed to be hungry, especially a year out of surgery.  I've been a good girl, though, and have been sticking to the 1,000 calorie deficit simply because I'm actually SEEING the numbers.  I hate logging food, really...I do.  I hate micromanaging one more thing in my life.  But, in reality?  I need this right now.  Until the band works again and I can tolerate smaller quantities of food without anticipating my next bite, I need to keep myself in check.

I feel like I'm on a diet.  This sucks.  I had a co-worker ask me about the bodybugg and calorie logging...she said, "Can't you just cheat?  Like, does the thing know what you eat?"  I told her, "Sure I could...but all I'm doing is cheating myself!  I can't be mad at a weight gain if I KNOW I had a Starbucks frappuccino, cupcake, and/or Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese I didn't account for."

Right now?  While the band's not working?  I'm being accountable to me.  Every bite, every calorie out...and, hell, it's making me less lazy of all things!  I'm in a constant, day-to-day competition with myself to achieve higher calorie burns...I actually park farther away from stores, make extra trips to the main office on the high school campus I work, etc. just because I know the calorie burn number will go up for the day!  Nice side effect, eh?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Sometimes? You HAVE to be a bitch.

I'm really sick of not losing weight...REALLY sick of it.  I'm sick of my LapBand not being properly adjusted.  I'm sick of watching my calories in and out, seeing the appropriate deficit (at least, what I've researched is appropriate) and still not losing weight.  But what I'm MOST sick of?  My effin' doctors.

I headed in today for an adjustment.  I've been going back and forth between too tight and too loose with this band since July, and I had finally been brought back up to 8.0cc before I left for vacation.  9.0cc is where I start to have issues, but 8.0cc has been just fine over the past few weeks - in fact, I'd say it's a little too loose.  So today, I head in to get bumped up to 8.5cc.  Long story short?  I am now at 8.5cc again and have another appointment on Thursday with the doctor I normally see.  You can stop reading here if you just wanted an update on what's going on with me and my Band :).

Long Story Long/Bitchy Rundown of today's events:
  1. Today's doctor (whom I've seen before and believe to be senile) thought I had surgery yesterday because my surgery date was listed as 1-7-10.  The surgery date was correct, but the idiot didn't realize it was 2011 and I actually had my surgery A YEAR AGO yesterday.
  2. Today's doctor wanted to take me up to 9.0cc - he tells me this as he's got the needle injected into my port.  I have to quickly, and quite bitch-ily, tell him NO.  He senses my aggravation and only puts in 0.5cc to bring me up to the 8.5cc.
  3. Today's doctor wants me to drive to Beverly Hills (roughly 2 hours south of here) on a Monday or Tuesday afternoon so he can do a fluoro with me and inject the exact amount of fill that will make me and my LapBand happy...sounds like a novel concept, except that he's senile and I don't trust him anyway.  
  4. The receptionists (two girls I find just as idiotic) start to schedule me for a regular follow-up when I tell them that the doctor actually wants to schedule me for a fluoro in B.H.  They look at each other, then at me, and suggest I see a different doctor in the office for a second opinion...sure.
  5. The receptionists start to schedule an appointment for this Wednesday with a different doctor - this guy's actually a surgeon - to get my second opinion.  They tell me who he is.  Tirade begins.  HELL NO I WILL NOT SEE THAT GUY!  The guy they want me to see is the guy who has been the reason I've had to get so many unfills in the past six months.  He does NOT listen to me and aggressively fills me to the point where I can't drink water.  Not only that?  After the third time he had to unfill me because I coudn't drink water and developed acid reflux (again), he insisted that something must be wrong with my band...there's no way HE was doing anything wrong.  HA!  I had an endoscopy (in Los Angeles...) and was told I was perfectly fine, but that my band was too tight.  Hell NO - I refuse to see the idiot egotistical doctor for a second opinion.
  6. The receptionists, finally seeing from my tirade that I am (a) not an idiot and (b) beyond exasperated with this practice and the idiocy I've dealt with since July, mention that the guy I DID like is in on Thursdays - oh, and they really like him too.  Thanks for telling me.  I'll be seeing him on Thursday.  
I'm at the point with this LapBand and medical practice that if I can't start getting some kind of results again, I'm going to consider changing doctors (the doctor who did my surgery, incidentally, was an awesome guy and has his own practice now).  I'm sick of the lack of personal attention - there's no reason I should be getting filled and unfilled to the same levels repeatedly because doctors don't know a damn thing about me or my case.  I'm not a cog in a factory who should be getting results just because you put a plastic band in my stomach.  I'm also not an idiot - I DO understand biology, I DO understand chemistry and food nutrition.  I also know that something is not working for me, and all I need in my life is a doctor who would actually care to LISTEN and INVESTIGATE my food logs, bodybugg outputs, weight gain/loss history over the past few months, etc. and HELP ME finish this journey.

Dammit.