Saturday, September 10, 2011

Lost/Disappointed/Frustrated.

It's been a long time (10 months) since I could eat any quantity of food without getting sick, stuck, etc.  After getting my issues fixed and being adjusted, I was finally able to eat a week ago...and, boy, have I been eating!  I gave myself permission to enjoy Labor Day weekend with my boyfriend, eating whatever I wanted, not counting calories.  He'll tell you that I didn't eat anything more than a normal person would, but my scale will tell you that I gained 10 pounds in that three days.  Ugh.  I knew I'd gain, but I suppose I didn't expect it to be that much.  A pound is 3,500 calories - I KNOW I didn't eat 35,000 calories of food!

So I get back home to Virginia and put the bodybugg back on, determined to start tracking my calories again and committing to at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day (I've been a horrible worker-outer in this whole journey, as I mentioned in my last post).  Well, I just completed Day 4 of working out in a row (really didn't want to yesterday, but I forced myself), so I'm proud that I'm keeping that up.

As for the counting calories?  I'm doing it...but they're not very low.  In fact, since Tuesday I haven't had a calorie deficit (less calories in than out).  I'm just hungry.  I feel like I've been teleported to the beginning band stages, where it's wide open and I can consume anything I want.  I'm in "Bandster Hell" again, where I have to force myself to "diet" instead of letting the band help control my hunger.  It makes sense that I'm here since the doctor did drain the band completely and is slowly going to adjust it back up to an appropriate level...and, I promise, I'm much happier being able to eat without getting sick.  It just...kinda sucks.

Take yesterday for example - I was doing WELL all day.  I had a Skinny Vanilla Latte at Starbucks (180 calories), went to lunch with some colleagues at Panera and consumed less than 400 calories...didn't snack on anything all day...then gorged on steak nachos and a quesadilla from a Mexican joint I had wanted to try near my house.  G'bye accountability!  I did enter it in my bodybugg program, thus resulting in another non-deficit day.  :::sigh:::

The only upside is that I lost one pound since Tuesday morning.  I'm not sure how since I haven't registered a deficit this week, but I'll take it!  I had to revise my goal this morning - again - to get to onederland by the end of 2011, instead of my goal of 169 in the same time frame.  Getting to goal would require a loss of 3.5 pounds a week, and I just can't sustain a loss like that for several months - oh, and it's not healthy either!

So....wish me luck as I continue to grapple with hunger and accountability issues.  I see the doctor again at the end of this month to get adjusted again and, even though he told me to call his office and come in earlier if I was hungry, I want to prove to myself that I have the willpower to make this happen.  Is that a correct attitude?  Or do I just need to accept the fact that I couldn't do this pre-LapBand and can't do it now?

2 comments:

  1. I'm feel like I could have written your post! I had to have 1.25 cc's taken out a few weeks ago because I couldn't get anything down. Ever since then I've been eating just about whatever I want, in the last month to 6 weeks I've gained about 8 pounds and now it won't come off. I'm having a really hard time with will power right now and I know what you're feeling. I don't have much confidence in myself to not have my band this loose and eat what I know I should. At the same time, I don't want to have a fill because I'm enjoying eating again! So I'm right there with ya!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm in the EXACT SAME PLACE Joia!!!! My band was so tight that it felt like i was trying to ingest shards of glass. So I went in, thinking my doc would let out a little as he's done in the past. Oh no.... he emptied it completely. For 10 days!
    I put on 10lbs in 4 days even though I wasn't eating nearly as much as I did pre-band or even as much as a 'normal person' does. And I've been working hard to make the best decisions I can. At one point I looked 6 months pregnant I was so bloated. I'm now down to about 6lbs up..... Like you, I knew I was going to put on weight, just wasn't expecting quite that much!
    I go for my followup appt tomorrow morning and so should have a fill and get back on track. Bootcamp starts up again this week too so my relatively sedentary life this week is about to come to an end!
    I don't think this has to do with willpower.... I think it's more about the body holding on tight to every little thing now that you've started giving it food again!

    ReplyDelete