Saturday, January 15, 2011

What now?

After last week's stressful experience with the dumb doctors at my LapBand office, it turns out that the solution to my problem isn't going to happen just yet.  The doctor I was supposed to see this past Thursday for some rational dialogue about why my band has either been too tight or too loose since May actually couldn't make it in on Thursday...and, before I forget to mention it, I think the doctor last Saturday actually took fill OUT instead of putting 0.5cc back in - I was able to eat a chicken breast for lunch a couple of hours later and have been starving all week long.  Ugh.  I'm seeing the super-aggressive doc this Wednesday to get some fill actually put IN because I'm tired of being so hungry.  I would wait until Thursday and see the rational doctor (I could have gone in today, but I'm not seeing the stupid doctor again who didn't realize it's not 2010 anymore), but I'll be in Las Vegas for a work conference.  So, result?  Super-aggressive Nazi man on Wednesday for a fill and the doctor I actually want to see next Thursday.  I just didn't want to starve for another full two weeks just to see the rational doc.

So, Joia, why don't you just EAT something if you're that hungry?  Damn bodybugg and accountability won't let me do that.  I had gotten back up to 251 pounds last Sunday, and that was enough gain for me.  I've been actively using my bodybugg (yay Christmas gifts!) and logging my calorie burn...then decided I needed to actually start logging my food choices.  Ugh - I was eating WAY too much and was seeing a surplus of calories (more in than out) each day...no wonder I got back up to 251!  I made a plan of sticking to a 1,000 calorie deficit each day, starting last Monday, which the program tells me will result in a 2 pound loss per week...exactly what I need to hit goal by my 31st birthday at the end of August.

Here's where the two stories are related...my LapBand feels empty.  I have only felt restriction twice in the last few weeks - and then only momentarily before I gorged on another large bite of whatever I was eating at the time.  I need a FILL.  I want this band to WORK again.  As much I as hate the band being too tight, I hate being this hungry, too.  I have a freakin' LapBand - I'm not supposed to be hungry, especially a year out of surgery.  I've been a good girl, though, and have been sticking to the 1,000 calorie deficit simply because I'm actually SEEING the numbers.  I hate logging food, really...I do.  I hate micromanaging one more thing in my life.  But, in reality?  I need this right now.  Until the band works again and I can tolerate smaller quantities of food without anticipating my next bite, I need to keep myself in check.

I feel like I'm on a diet.  This sucks.  I had a co-worker ask me about the bodybugg and calorie logging...she said, "Can't you just cheat?  Like, does the thing know what you eat?"  I told her, "Sure I could...but all I'm doing is cheating myself!  I can't be mad at a weight gain if I KNOW I had a Starbucks frappuccino, cupcake, and/or Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese I didn't account for."

Right now?  While the band's not working?  I'm being accountable to me.  Every bite, every calorie out...and, hell, it's making me less lazy of all things!  I'm in a constant, day-to-day competition with myself to achieve higher calorie burns...I actually park farther away from stores, make extra trips to the main office on the high school campus I work, etc. just because I know the calorie burn number will go up for the day!  Nice side effect, eh?

4 comments:

  1. Hang in there...you are doing all the right things.

    http://rachelthinwitin.blogspot.com

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  2. Awwww man... This sucks!!!! Glad you get to see your doc next week and hope you get your fills and some answers as to what's been going on. In the meantime, am proud of you for taking control and doing what you know you should!!!

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  3. I know what your are talking about and it sucks! Hang in there and hopefully when you see the good doctor things will get better :)

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  4. Yes hang in there. I have been on the tooo tight end since summer and it is just as ugly.. Because then I am sucking back on high calorie drinks. So weightloss has been super slow.. SUcks it does,..

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