Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's all about perspective, and mine apparently needs a shift.

I've had some interesting thoughts over the last 24 hours...not sure what prompted them, but I know that while I still struggle to get through the 240's and finally hit my 100 pound weight loss, I've been throwing a lot of negativity into my own head.  Of course, that only serves a negative purpose...but we're good at bashing ourselves, aren't we?  If I do it, no one else will, right?  I should be thin now...I had weight loss surgery over a year ago.  Isn't that what people expect of me?!

I say?  Who the hell cares what other people expect of me.  I've lost 95 pounds in almost 13 months.  How many people in the real world can say that?  Surely none of my close friends...and surely none of the hundreds of people I work with in any given week.

I have to remember that what I've accomplished thus far is quite a freakin' feat.  Yeah, I've got more to lose (65 pounds-ish), but I'm also on the downhill slope of this...yeah, it's harder now, but I'll endure.  I've got to remember what I've heard ad nauseum on blogs and forums - this weight took a long time to put on, and it'll take awhile to get it off.

Hell, I can't tell you when I last weighed in at the 240's before this weight loss process.  I still look at myself and see "FAT" (yeah - taking my fat ass measurements just now didn't help either), but I also look at the pictures of me a year ago and see "HOLY SHIT THAT GIRL WAS BIG."  I was in denial about how big I really was, always claiming that although I was 338 pounds, I didn't really look that big.  Lies.  All of them.  I was a freakin' whale in professional clothes.

I mentioned above that I took my measurements today...although I'm a sucker for the daily weigh in on the scale, I haven't measured any part of my body in...a year?  My bodybugg online program allows me to put in the measurements of my neck, upper arm, forearm, waist, hip, thigh and calf each week when I weigh in to the program...why haven't I been using it?  Heck, I put in all of those measurements today and it even calculated my LBM (lean body mass) and body fat percentage based on the measurements versus my weight/height...sweet!  I need to continue to measure myself weekly, when the bodybugg allows me to update my "measurements," so I can continue to celebrate the results I am getting.

I was talking to a colleague earlier this week who told me that I've been looking thinner and more toned over the last few months...I scoffed at her and told her I've lost a total of 8 pounds since October.  8 freakin' measly pounds.  She then attributed my tone-ness to the fact that I've been working out, I've done a couple of 5k's, and I'm focusing more on the calorie burn than I had in the beginning of this journey.  I don't see it - I still wear a size 18/20 and have been in the same size clothes (mostly) for the better part of this school year.

Who the hell am I to negate the success others are seeing?  Why do I find it necessary to push away compliments on my efforts, my outward appearance, etc.?  Yeah, I'm not seeing the numbers I want on the scale...but my LapBand seems to be working with me again, I'm focusing on getting a calorie deficit every day to promote weight loss through the help of my bodybugg, and I know that "this too shall pass."  It's time to find some rose colored glasses and accept, internally, the success I've had.  Negative thinking only leads to negative behavior, right?


  1. I know what you mean. I am sure I would be doing better if it wasn't for my own self negative thinking!!!

  2. I also find it difficult to talk a compliment without having a negative comeback. Just because I'm not where I want to be doesn't mean that where I am now hasn't been an amazing journey! It takes time and I need to slow it down a notch and look at the bigger picture. It really is coming together, at it's own pace.

  3. Whenever I've been close to a goal, it seems like the scale moves excruciatingly slow. I actually did my 100 lb. post A WEEK early because I had already written the posts and then I had my weigh-in and wasn't quite there.

    I've only lost 4.8 pounds in the last two months. It slows down the smaller we get. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is.

    Just keep plugging away. You are losing, just not quickly now. You'll get there.

    I have a hard time with compliments too. I always take it wrong. Like if someone says I look good I assume they mean I used to look hideous.