Sunday, October 10, 2010

Deeper Look Within

I've been MIA from reading, commenting on and writing blogs for some time now because of the insanity that was my work schedule for the past month. I finally took some time this morning to read some blogs of yours (not all of them - sorry!), and I vow to keep better track of your lives. I'm always amazed at the depth of sharing, the closeness we all feel to a cyber world of people going through the same, daily struggles we all face...even though I don't have children, I'm not married, etc...I know that someday I will be, and the lessons I've learned/stories I've read on your blogs will keep me truckin' on through. It's the same with maintenance - I'm not there yet (still about 75 pounds to go), but seeing your pictures, the cute clothes you get to wear, the hot boots, etc...I long for the day when I, too, will get to share the same, emphatic stories about how far the LapBand has taken me.

It's then that I realize how far I've come already. Yesterday's before/during pictures really made me wake up to what 83 pounds looked like on my body. Most days? I still feel fat. I still feel like it looks like I've lost no weight at all - but, then again, that's my mirror image of the fat girl who's always stared back at me. While looking back at some weight loss progress pictures yesterday (I took some that have me wearing next to nothing - for my own perception, not yours! LOL), it hit me for the first time how big I really was at 338 pounds. Hell, I saw a picture yesterday that I took in April in just a bra and panties...back then I had already lost about 40 pounds. I told my boyfriend on the phone last night, "I was SO BIG, and I never even saw it." Although today I still have the bat wings on my arms, I still have rolls in my belly, and I'm still over 250 pounds...good LORD is there a huge difference between the girl I was a few months ago and the girl I am today. I have to celebrate that, even though I'm often depressed about the weight not coming off faster and the poor food choices I make.

In reality, I've had one foot out the door since I left my boyfriend's house in July this summer - with my career, the life I've built up in the last 7 years, etc. Turns out? I let myself go - my LapBand, my house, my life...I haven't had the weight loss I've wanted because I still don't work out, I still choose the wrong foods, I didn't go for the fill two weeks ago when it was scheduled (I had 3 pieces of pizza and 2 breadsticks last night for dinner - gasp!), etc. My head has been OUT OF THE GAME. Thank god for days off - yesterday was my first one in over a month. Instead of falling in and out of sleep, lazily, around my house, I chose to take care of some errands (including getting air in my car tires that desperately needed it!), clean my house, work out on the treadmill for a bit and, basically, re-ground myself. I commented to my boyfriend last night that "I feel like a grown up again." I do.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Joia,
    Your pics are so motivating me. I have my 1st fill scheduled for this Thursday and I hope I can be as successful as you.

    Take care,